Who’s Your Overwatch Character?

What Your Favourite Overwatch Character Says About You

 

Undoubtedly the break-out online multiplayer game of 2016, Blizzard Entertainment’s Overwatch is an impressive combination of intuitive team-oriented combat, robust gameplay, beautiful maps and, most remarkably, 23 unique playable characters to choose from. Each one has a killer design and distinctive vocal profile, as well as a specific set of skills with which to contribute to each match in their own special way, e.g. as a healer or, conversely, with a proper fuck-off rocket launcher. Because there’s such a wide variety available, every kind of approach to playing Overwatch is actively welcomed and encouraged, no matter how withdrawn or gung-ho. For that reason, it’s fairly easy to discern what kind of person one is from their most frequently used character in the game. So, with that in mind, here’s the internal dialogue of every type of person based on their personal selection.

 

Genji

“I’ve never been in love but I would make sweet, ninja love to this game if I could. And I would strafe the whole fucking time.”

McCree

“I found a Wild West belt buckle at a garage sale a few weeks back aaaand… here we are. ‘Cause otherwise, honestly, why would you?”

Pharah

“I’ve totally been in a fight before. Well, there was a bunch of shady-looking dudes standing outside my building one time, so I pelted them with rocks from my balcony til they left.”

Reaper

“I have a chessboard on display in my living room but have no idea how to play. I’m a beast at Connect Four, though.”

Soldier: 76

“If you diss CoD in front of me, I’ll squeak like a dying piglet and bombard you with ultra-specific death threats on Twitter.”

Sombra

“I like to slip stuff into people’s drinks at parties. Not, like, roofies or anything, just Mentos or laxatives, whatever will fuck up their whole night.”

Tracer

“Playing Sonic the Hedgehog used to make me strangely aroused as a child. I’m still working through it.”

Bastion

“I am a cunt, but my friends are usually pretty happy to see me.”

Hanzo

“I taught myself to juggle and speak French recently and now I’m thinking of auditioning for Cirque du Soleil.”

Junkrat

“Hoo boy, am I a cunt, to the degree that even my friends find it hard to defend many of my actions.”

Mei

“I go to pubs to antagonise people who are way bigger than me and, when they arc up, I curl into a ball and beg them not to hit me.”

Torbjörn

“I show up to BBQs with a giant tub of KFC coleslaw and proceed to eat the actual food that everybody else brought.”

Widowmaker

“I’m kinda good at Sniper Elite III, kinda good at Halo and all-round terrible at meeting new people.”

D. Va

“I peaked at a very young age and no one’s had the heart to tell me yet.”

Reinhardt

“God, I really just want everyone to like me, which can be tough ’cause I pretty much hate fucking everybody.”

Roadhog

“I am an immaculate human being who is above all reproach and criticism. Honestly, you’re privileged just to know me.”

Winston

“I have a sneaking suspicion that my five-year-old has started to let me win at checkers out of pity.”

Zarya

“Y’know how people say they don’t care what others think about them but they clearly do because of the way they behave? I genuinely do not give a shit, and I act accordingly.”

Ana

“I really don’t have a lot going on right now.”

Lúcio

“I invite heaps of people to my dinner parties and serve each of them the smallest portions imaginable. Everyone gets about half a mouthful and then begrudgingly thanks me for my efforts.”

Mercy

“I’m a total slut but my friend group seems to have accepted and internalized that fact to the extent that I’m also the most popular person I know.”

Symmetra

“I’m five feet tall and can drink every single person I know under the table. Then I steal their wallets.”

Zenyatta

 “I have a lot of friends but I’m no one’s best friend, just as a lot of people don’t like me but I’m no one’s mortal enemy. It’s lonely sometimes.”

All images courtesy of Blizzard Entertainment.