The Walking Dead, S07E12

“Say Yes” Says The Walking Dead… And I Almost Did, ‘Cause I’m A Sucker

 

A dim light shines through yonder trees, a breach of risen morning upon a secluded forest, casting the dim world into an incandescent blaze of warmth and clarity. Does this striking opening shot signify a new dawn for The Walking Dead? If history’s anything to go by then I seriously fuckin’ doubt it, but it is admittedly very pretty.

Now we see Rick and Michonne pillaging an abandoned house before (being the kinky lovebirds that they are) getting their freak on. The next morning they make contented small talk that basically counts as foreplay on this show, before heading out on another successful supply hunt and then having a second celebratory naked romp. Two things: one, in just a couple of days these guys show that they are literally one thousand times better than anyone else at scavenging, and two, the way they smile at one another as they head back to Alexandria confirms that this is basically a honeymoon for them, and a strangely moving one at that. It makes sense then that Rick asks (demands?) that they spend another day or two out here. He’s clearly enjoying himself, and Michonne can’t help but feel that way as well. So, the question becomes which one of them is gonna almost die this episode?

Before we get on to the rest of this installment, I wanna make it clear that that’s not a totally flippant inquiry on my part. Yeah, it becomes pretty obvious from the moment they both decide to keep this zombieland choo-choo a-chugging a little longer that one of them is gonna wind up in mortal peril, but the thing is I would be actually, sorta, kinda, maaaaybe upset if one of these two had to cradle the other as they lay dying in their arms. And, let’s be real, what I’m saying is I don’t want Michonne to die, because this show will never grow the requisite pair of balls to kill Rick off… at least not until the finale… aaaaand probably not even then. Fuckin’ Rick.

The case for these guys as a couple is right there in the tender way those opening montages are shot – with no audio save for a soft, glowing score – and the natural chemistry between Andrew Lincoln and Danai Gurira. Yes, it began as a very forced pairing of two characters who happened to be near one another, but over time it’s become (almost accidentally) something worth rooting for. They each have a grim determination and cautious pessimism that lends some credibility to the basis of their relationship in the first place, while Michonne’s tendency to not be such a constant fucking killjoy shouty arsehole goes some lengths towards softening Rick’s rough edges. This may be just me grasping at straws in a meadow that’s on fire, but these two haven’t been charred by their surroundings just yet.

Moving on, after the opening theme we’re back in Alexandria for what I assume was a fairly brief convo between Tara and Rosita. I can’t say for sure because the supply of blood to my brain reversed direction and I slipped into unconsciousness when their exchange began with:

“What?”

“Nothing…”

“…ok.”

Something about… guns? I don’t know and, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna pretty much ignore this subplot for the good of my health. So anyway, we’re back on the road now, where Michonne and Rick see a deer and decide to go hunt it, whether for food or to involve in their lovemaking I’m honestly not sure. They find a zombie decked out in military gear still carrying his weapon, leading them to a roof where they can see what looks like a washed-out carnival, strewn with militant zombies and, more importantly, scores of guns. Then Michonne, naturally, takes a moment to fire her sniper at one of the carnival games. She and Rick laugh and really seem like they’re about to start fucking again when, suddenly, the roof they’re standing on gives way.

Now, on this show when something like that happens, whatever’s below them is gonna be mighty bad for business pretty much 100% of the time. And yet, this is the kind of episode we’re in: we cut to the two of them giggling like school children, surrounded by crates of food. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?! I mean, I’m pretty much certain one of them’s gonna end up in a tight scrape any second now, but I have to give TWD its due for committing to this vibe. For a show that is so often humourless and without joy to allow these two what is basically a holiday is commendable, and I’m kinda diggin’ it.

A more serious conversation follows regarding the future, one that’s been had several times before but is still brightened by the fact that it’s these two talking about what lies ahead for them together. It also feels like a bit of meta-commentary for the show, listing out all current obstacles and trying to work out what could possibly come next once Negan’s been dealt with. Once again, though, it ends with Rick making the case for them staying out in the wild for a few days more. Let’s see how that works out.

Aaaaaand they’re trapped in a stalled car surrounded by zombies, with Michonne in the trunk and Rick in the front seat. Seems these two are in a bit of a jam, huh? Nope, as Rick clumsily clambers out of the sunroof and Michonne… wait, wha- ? What the fuck? Where did she…? She literally just appears next to him out of fucking nowhere. Like, the previous shot is of a horde of dead fuckers covering every angle of the car and then, poof, she’s out and about. Goddammit, show. This was all going so well.

They split up and engage in an almost charming Legolas and Gimli banter, counting how many they’ve each got left to kill, treating this entire ordeal fairly casually. Which makes sense at this point in the show, as zombies haven’t been a significant threat in years, but it definitely seems to be setting us up for… yep, and now Rick is dead. I mean, obviously he’s not, but it looks like a bunch of hangry dead dudes caught him and are eating his sweaty, grizzled face. Michonne’s sad now, so she drops her sword and waits for the sweet relief of death (I know how she feels).

My problem isn’t just that we know this is a blatant fake-out, but that it’s a shamelessly cheap one that was telegraphed from the very start of the episode. The bonding and sincere levity between Rick and Michonne has been nice but, honestly, if this is the result of it all it’s not fucking worth it. Please, The Walking Dead, please stop this. Stop using character growth as a means of exacting pathos or establishing ironic tragedy. Stop having characters bond or profess their love of life or attempt to rehabilitate someone just to kill them (or pretend to) so your audience remembers what kind of programme they’re watching. I can’t stress this enough: it’s transparent, it’s desperate and it’s fucking boring.

So, yeah, he’s not dead and they both keep going to not be dead some more. Honestly, though, I’m done with this one. It’s like watching the first thirty minutes of a riveting espionage thriller before it suddenly just devolves into animal porn. It’s not only disappointing, it’s kinda gross. Anyway, I’m gonna go eat something ’cause now I’m empty inside.

 

Quotes & Random Thoughts

 

• As she’s driving, Michonne gazes over at a sleeping Rick with a twinkle in her eyes that’s very different from the one I get when I look at him.

• That silhouette of a zombie seen through the sheet hanging from the fence was new. Pretty cool, too.

• Michonne’s ominous, “Something… ssserious happened here”, should be the show’s new tagline.

• Rosita finds a house with Honey Boo-Boo’s zombified mother inside. She struggles to cut through its swollen neck before simply braining it and finding a toy gun for her troubles, at which point I genuinely expected the theme from Curb Your Enthusiasm to start playing.

• Ok, it also should have played as Rick and Michonne fell through the roof. Also, that was a long-arse shot to hold on, huh?

• Some of those shots of the zombies ambling through the carnival at dusk were just exquisite. No snark needed.

• “Thing is, I had a gun. I was gonna use it kill Negan. I was ready to!” Rosita’s talking a big game for someone who… y’know, made her move and hit the dude’s bat by mistake. I mean, it would’ve been harder to actually make that specific shot if you were trying to do it!

• “I knew the stakes were very… high!” Jesus, let’s not go overboard, preacherman.

• On who should be leader of the new world: “It should be you”, Michonne tells Rick. “Not me”, he says, and she persists, “Why not?” Are you seriously asking that fucking question Michonne?

• “It’s chili… and mac and cheese… together!” Ok, that’s Andrew Lincoln’s greatest line delivery ever.

• That child* Tara monologues at did about as good a job as me at paying attention to her. *(Holy shit, that’s Judith?!)

• “You can handle eight.” Pre-combat flirting is my favourite kind.

• “It was a good plan…” YOU SAY THAT EVERYTIME, RICK!!!

• I sincerely want to meet the person (or people) who thought Rick had actually died back there. Every day for you must be an irrepressible thrill of mystery and wonder.

• Rosita and Sasha have teamed up to kill Negan because everyone else is taking too long. This… is beyond a stupid plan and stupid writing. It’s almost agonising.