Donald Trump is Now Personally Under Investigation
Just as Many Trump Associates Have Been Under Investigation for Weeks, So Now is the President Himself
As confirmed by the Washington Post (and if your involuntary reaction to reading that is to punch your computer screen with the “!FAKE NEWS!” knuckle duster you bought online from a Russian teenger two weeks ago, then just… y’know, keep doin’ you, I guess), Donald Jeb Trump is now officially under investigation for having potentially engaged in obstruction of justice. This is according to five anonymous sources working with special counsel Robert S. Mueller, the non-partisan former head of the FBI (who served as such from 2001 until 2013), the man who has been tasked with carrying on and expanding the agency’s investigation into matters involving the Trump campaign and alleged collusion with Russian agents.
This may come as news to some people, who figured that Trump has always been under investigation due to his frequent assurances to the contrary. Y’know, the same way there’s more than a decent chance the red-faced six-year-old hiding in the corner screaming “It wasn’t meee!” probably shit in the salad bowl.
But, even if it sounds like splitting hairs, it is true that Trump himself has never been personally under investigation by the FBI, whether for his involvement in said collusion with foreign powers or any other such matters. Indeed, though several key members of Trump’s campaign or subsequent administration are being looked into – from former campaign manager Paul Manafort to short-lived National Security Advisor Michael Flynn – for potential ties to Russia, this probe has never extended far enough to implicate Trump personally.
It now seems, however, that the very actions Trump took to derail these investigations – such as giving veiled instructions to former FBI head James Comey to let the Flynn investigation go and then, subsequently, firing Comey when he refused – have brought about the inevitable. Because now Mueller has observed these questionable actions and determined that they sure do seem a whole lot like obstruction of justice, if you’re the sort of person who understands the literal meaning of both of those words and has a basic grasp on reality.
Longest, most distressingly un-fun story in the world short: this is not good for Trump or anyone who has a vested interest in him, aaah, still being the president. So much so that the man – or “flaming ball of flaccid toddler hate” – himself is apparently aware of how disastrous this all looks. In fact, according to some sources, Trump may actually be thinking of (holy Jesus, wait for it, you are not ready!)… firing special counsel Robert Mueller. Y’know, the guy who’s in charge of working out if Trump fucked up by firing the other guy?
This is – by definition of the word – insanity. It’s like punishing your child for shitting in the salad bowl by feeding them ice cream and laxatives and taking them tupperware shopping: not only is the same thing gonna happen on a grander scale, but how is no one gonna blame you this time?! But you know what I actually want? I desperately want him to do it. C’mon, ya big pussy! Fire ‘im! Fire the prick, ’cause that’ll show ’em, that’ll show all of ’em! No one gets more respect than the man who shows he’s not afraid to do the most blatantly stupid and destructive thing possible with a smug grin and a thumbs up. Now that’s a fuckin’ man of the people.